Five Takeaways to Support Those Experiencing Loss

Experiencing the loss of a child is devastating. Over the years, my husband Paul and I have met many families who have lost babies before birth, infants in the NICU, young children full of life, and adult children gone too soon. The loss of a child leaves a profound and enduring impact on a parent.

According to the U.S. Institute of Medicine’s report, “When Children Die: Improving Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families”:

“The death of a child of any age is a profound, difficult, and painful experience. While bereavement is stressful whenever it occurs, studies continue to provide evidence that the greatest stress, and often the most enduring one, occurs for parents who experience the death of a child.”

As we recognize Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month this October, I want to share five key takeaways that have resonated with me through our personal journey. These takeaways are not only relevant for child loss but can be applied to any type of loss.

Our Story

We welcomed four beautiful children into this world. Two of our daughters are here with us, and two—our daughter Mary and our son William—are keeping watch from above.

In 2010, our identical twin daughters, Claire and Mary, were born at just 23 weeks and 5 days. Mary passed away after 14 days. Claire spent 103 days in the NICU before coming home. Nearly five years later, we welcomed our full-term daughter, Martha Rose—our “rose from the heavenly garden” as we like to say.

In 2018, we learned we were expecting again. Our son William was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 at 14 weeks gestation. Based upon his prognosis, we knew he would pass away shortly after birth if he made it to live birth. I carried him until 34 weeks. He spent 91 precious minutes with us before passing away.

Through these experiences, I’ve learned how powerful support can be—and how it often shows up in the smallest ways. Here are five key takeaways to support those experiencing loss:

1. Acknowledge the Loss

Acknowledgement is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer. During my pregnancy with William, knowing he would pass away while still feeling his strong heartbeat was indescribably painful. Carrying a child you know will pass away after birth was the most difficult chapter of my life so far. Yet what hurt even more was the silence from people who didn’t know what to say.

I remember being at a party where everyone knew what we were going through, but no one said a word. I just wanted someone to hug me and say, “I’m thinking of you.” When you know someone going through something difficult, a simple acknowledgement can be so powerful. A simple but meaningful phrase is “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”

2. Remember in the Small Moments

When something big happens, people show up. After Mary passed away, our home was filled with flowers, food, and cards. But as time moved on, so did everyone else. Life continues to move forward as it should.

For grieving families, the second year can be harder than the first. That’s why remembering in the small moments matters. A dear friend sends me a card every year on the anniversaries of Mary and William’s passing. It simply says, “Thinking of sweet Mary and William. Love, GG.” That card brings joyful tears to my eyes every year.

I now keep anniversaries in my calendar for friends who have lost parents or loved ones. I also follow a simple rule: when I think of someone, I call them. These small gestures create meaningful connections.

3. Don’t Ask, Just Do

Instead of saying “Let me know what you need,” take action. Most people won’t ask for help. Rather than putting that burden on a friend managing through loss, don’t ask, just do.

Think about what you’d want in a time of grief: a meal delivery gift card, a massage certificate, someone to take your kids for a few hours.

When I was on hospital bedrest, my best friend showed up without asking the day after the girls were born. After William passed, she showed up at my house. She cleaned, cared for my daughters, and sat with me as I cried. She didn’t ask. She just did.

4. Practice Empathy and Listen

We often want to fix things for the people we love. But sometimes, we can’t. And that’s okay. Every loss is different. My experience of losing our two children is not the same as a friend who lost her toddler to cancer or another whose daughter was born sleeping.

In these moments, empathy is key. Watch this powerful video from Brene Brown outlining the difference between empathy and sympathy.

I encourage you to say,  “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here to listen.” Listening without judgment or solutions is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

5. Say “Thank You” Instead of “I’m Sorry”

Years ago, I wrote a piece titled You Don’t Have to Say ‘I’m Sorry’ When I Tell You How Many Kids I Have. I encourage you to read the piece here for my feedback on this important takeaway.

Say “Thank you for sharing your story.” Say “Thank you for honoring your children.” These words affirm the love and strength behind the grief.

Supporting someone through loss doesn’t require grand gestures. It requires presence, empathy, and love. Whether you’re walking through grief yourself or standing beside someone who is, I hope these takeaways help you feel seen, supported, and connected.